


Dear Dad Revisited

by rosied



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-15
Updated: 2014-12-15
Packaged: 2018-03-01 16:19:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2779676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosied/pseuds/rosied
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Hawkeye and BJ discover that you can't put all your bad eggs into one basket</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Dad Revisited

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GMTH](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GMTH/gifts).



Dear Dad,

Starting as usual with sorry I haven't written sooner, but it's just been the same old story – hours of OR alternating with hours of tedium.

But there's just been some big news round here - Major Frank Burns has suddenly left us in a cloud of insanity. He's been teetering on the edge for as long as I've had the displeasure of knowing him, and Margaret's wedding finally sent him over. We're all bearing the loss as well as you might expect.

 

_shot of Hawkeye, BJ, Potter and Radar celebrating gleefully_

 

His replacement is a Major Charles Emerson Winchester III – quite a mouthful, and don't, whatever you do, call him Charlie or Chuck! We don't know very much about him yet, apart from the fact that he was a thoracic surgeon (“practically Chief”) at Boston General before he was drafted (how the mighty have fallen!), he really doesn't want to be here (who does?), and he has a very high opinion of himself. He had a dream job at the hospital in Tokyo but apparently he managed to rile up one of the colonels there by winning a lot of his money at cards and gloating about it a bit too much, and ended up being transferred to this holiday camp (or cess-pit, as he likes to call it). Way to avoid paying your debts, Colonel!

Obviously there's going to be a period of adjustment, which will give BJ and I something to do now we haven't got Frank to prank...

 

_Hawkeye: You know, it's almost a pity Frank left – there were moments when he was becoming almost human! Now we have to start all over again breaking in Charles._

_BJ: Maybe he won't need any breaking in._

_Hawkeye: Don't say that – that'd spoil all our fun!_

_BJ: Well, if Frank was getting to be almost human, our fun would have been spoiled soon anyway._

_Hawkeye: No, I think he'd have lasted until the end of the war._

_BJ: We could always ask Colonel Potter to have Major Flagg visit more often._

_Hawkeye: Now let's not get too carried away!_

 

You remember me telling you about Radar O'Reilly mailing a Jeep back home? Well, he's decided to get a bit more ambitious – this time he's mailing a truck! He's having to go a lot slower with it than he did with the Jeep, because there's more parts and Colonel Potter is a good deal more observant than Henry Blake used to be. There's a betting pool going on about what will happen first – Radar getting the truck home or the war ending.

Uh-oh – talking about the war – gotta go, choppers coming!

**….........**

Sorry about the interruption there, Dad – the North Koreans had a sudden fit of generosity.

Still, at least the 12 hours of meatball surgery gave us a chance to get to know the new guy a bit. Charles is as good a surgeon as he claims to be, much as I hate to admit it (and never will to him), but he doesn't really grasp the reality of field surgery yet. I think Beej and I are going to have our work cut out adjusting him!

Gotta go now, BJ and I are going to plan our adjustment campaign over some vintage gin (one whole day old!)

Love,

Your son Hawkeye

**….........**

 

Dear Dad,

Thanks for your letter!

What you said about our pranks on Frank – no, we just kept him on his toes a bit, the insanity he did all by himself!

The adjustment of Major Charles Emerson Winchester III is proving to be more of a challenge than Beej and I had expected. For starters, he doesn't react nearly as well as Frank did to our practical jokes – doesn't bat an eyelid, which is pretty boring. We'll just have to try harder. Though there may be hidden depths to him – even though he showed no reaction to the snake in his bed, it somehow ended up in mine – points to him for that! (Don't worry, Dad – it wasn't a poisonous snake, so I didn't come to any harm!)

We started by revisiting some of the pranks we played on Frank.

 

_[Charles is asleep. Hawkeye and BJ tie his big toes to the cot legs]_

_Hawkeye and BJ: Fire! Fire!_

_Charles: [wakes up] There's a fire? That could only improve this cess-pit. [looks down, unties toes, goes back to sleep]_

 

Strike one.

 

_BJ: Here, I borrowed these from Klinger! [holds out pair of gold high heels] He says they'd better come back without a scratch – they're the only pair he's got that goes with his new ball gown!_

_Hawkeye: Perfect! [takes shoes and puts them on Charles' cot, goes to sit on his own cot]_

_[Charles enters, looks at Hawkeye and BJ suspiciously, goes to his cot, sees the shoes. Picks them up and hands them to Hawkeye] Charles: Yours, I believe, Pierce._

 

Strike two.

 

_[In the OR, Hawkeye squirts a syringe into Charles' face]_

_Charles: [wipes his face with his sleeve] Very funny, Pierce!_

 

Strike three.

In desperation, we threw his cot onto a big bonfire that spontaneously broke out a week or two ago. When we told him it was his, he didn't say a word. Strike four and we're out? Well, perhaps not.

 

_BJ: Did you see that? There was almost a spark of anger for a moment that time._

_Hawkeye: Yeah..... [lost in thought for a moment] I'm beginning to think we'll have to change our approach._

_BJ: What do you mean?_

_Hawkeye: We need to reduce our expectations and start small when it comes to Charles' reactions. He's obviously been brought up to keep his feelings in check. So an eye roll from him is the same as Frank losing his temper a little bit – you know, ranting and raving a little. And when he actually says anything, it's the equivalent of one of Frank's full-blown tantrums._

 

You see, Dad, with Frank, his arrogance and insistence on his authority was really all for show. Deep down inside he was insecure, so it was really easy to get a reaction out of him. Anything that made him look ridiculous was sure to make him blow his top. Charles is a completely different kettle of fish – he doesn't give a damn about military rank and he actually does think he's as brilliant a surgeon as he says he is, and to be perfectly honest, as I said in my last letter, he's not entirely wrong, not that Beej and I will ever admit that to his face.

 

_Hawkeye: So, what does Charles want?_

_BJ: Money and to go back to Tokyo._

_Hawkeye: Exactly! That's where we need to focus our efforts!_

 

So now we know how we need to proceed with Charles, and we're really looking forward to it. And if you think about it, we're actually doing him a favor. Charles' lack of reaction is obviously because he's repressed as a result of his upbringing, and making him blow his fuse will be good for him.

 

_Hawkeye: Maybe we can fool him into thinking he's going back to Tokyo... or home! That should get him to blow his top!_

_BJ: That's just mean, Hawk!_

_Hawkeye: [big smile] Yes, isn't it?_

 

Well, unless we can fool the President and Generals into thinking we're going home, in which case it might actually happen,

Love from the Swamp,

Your son Hawkeye

 

_BJ: [reading over Hawkeye's shoulder] You know, Hawk, I'm not sure you should send this. Remember your Dad said in his last letter that he thinks we go too far sometimes._

_Hawkeye: [thinks, shrugs] Perhaps you're right – the trouble is, civilians can't really understand how it is for us over here. Better a few harmless pranks here and there than going stark staring crazy. [crumples up paper, throws it over shoulder]_


End file.
